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#596305 - 01/05/08 07:53 AM OK, LSM Jokesters - Beat this story
Joe-Nathan Offline
Member

Registered: 04/10/01
Posts: 122
Loc: St. Martinville, LA
I got this off of the Louisiana Sportsman forums. Felt I had to share with you guys. It is a little long

Enjoy...

OK, LSM Jokesters---Beat this story
Bet you can't read this encounter of mine without busting out laughing!!

I went grocery shopping the other day in N.O. while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to mess yourself" deer chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the
next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Beethoven's Symphony ". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
melody referred to by Capt. Ahab as "Thunder and Lightning"!

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for groceries at the Wal-Mart grocery store on Manhattan Blvd. that I often
go to for a lot of my grocery needs when I go to Boomtown Harvey.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could
take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot!

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile pungent odor might
escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an old black woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the 'Steven King Cloud of Fog' that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of gaseous odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying
to ward off killer bees! This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Big Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw, a mortar round burst forth from my rear region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told that a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun!!

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cover cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the commode, and began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, " Oh my God!", then quickly left.

Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to takecare of the problem."

That, of course, set me off again, causing residual gas after shocks to escape me. The cocky-azzed employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouting, "IT WAS YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Winn Dixie. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the whole store!---------JLT
_________________________
2000 SE 4x4 (good bye)
Super Black
2007 Quest SL
2011 Titan CC Pro-4x (Smoke)
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets." -- Will Rogers (1879-1935)

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#596306 - 01/05/08 08:07 AM Re: OK, LSM Jokesters - Beat this story
GrayHam Offline
Member

Registered: 17/04/01
Posts: 8849
Quote:

Bet you can't read this encounter of mine without busting out laughing!!
Bet you'd lose . . .
_________________________
Does anybody remember laughter?

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#596307 - 01/05/08 08:36 AM Re: OK, LSM Jokesters - Beat this story
Anonymous
Unregistered


sounds like something off www.poopreport.com

But I did LOL.

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#596308 - 01/05/08 09:09 AM Re: OK, LSM Jokesters - Beat this story
Anonymous
Unregistered


thats a pretty shitty experience. that kinda happened to me the other night, but in a building on a college campus that i was unfamiliar with and couldnt find the bathroom.

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#596309 - 01/05/08 09:40 AM Re: OK, LSM Jokesters - Beat this story
Anonymous
Unregistered


I laughed out loud to the point where my boss (whose office is right next to mine) popped her head in to ask what was going on...and I just laughed harder.

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