(What Men Ought To Know...)

Perception:
The reason why our bras don't always match our under wear is because WE actually change our underwear.

Reality:
We know you change you underwear. We can tell when you're going to be in a shitty mood for a week when you put on the big ugly cotton ones.

Perception:
The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.

Reality:
We wouldn't start crying if the toilet started shooting back . And by the way , more gets into the bowl when we leave the seat up.

Perception:
If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.

Reality:
Questions like , how much do you need ? Are you going shopping for more useless crap with my money again?

Perception:
Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

Reality:
By then it's too late to tell you that once again , the movie that YOU chose , sucks.

Perception:
Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.

Reality:
When was this written 1860? Who the hell has a milkman?

Perception:
No, we're not impressed with your car...it takes no special skills to make car payments each month.

Reality:
Since we all know that any woman would be proud to be seen cruising arround in a 68 Bug or a 72 Pinto.... It doesn't matter what the payment on the car is as long as there's enough left over for you to buy more useless crap.

Perception:
Please don't drive when you're not driving.

Reality:
If you'd have learned in the first place we wouldn't have to keep teaching you.

Perception:
Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime...Thank-you.

Reality:
We fart. It's what we do. We like the smell of our farts and we really don't care if you don't . It gives us pleasure.

Perception:
Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.

Reality:
Well since most straight men don't sit in the tub and light incense and read magizines you're going to be SOL. We're men . We do men things and sometimes that causes us to smell like men. If you don't like man smell try being a lesbien .

Perception:
If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

Reality:
News flash: You keep lying to us and we'll keep lying to you. I have a secret for you : Those pants , they make your ass look huge!

Perception:
We don't care if you hold the remote...unlike you however, we don't enjoy watching 117 different programs in 5 minutes.

Reality:
It's called multitasking. We can do it , you can't. At any given times there are 4 or 5 things that we'd like to see. And we're able to focus on all of them. Also: Are we to blame because the Lifetime movie that you've seen 5,000 times about the girl who is stalked by her neightbor while she's hiding the dark secret about her parents marriage at the same time they are trying to find their kidnapped son bores the EVER LIVING SHIT OUT OF US?

Perception:
The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

Reality:
Sure , and while I'm at it I'll come up with the number of women who have crashed because they were putting on makeup while driving.

Perception:
If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

Reality:
Hand signals. It takes about two seconds. Want to guess what they are ?

Perception:
Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: We don't care.

Reality.
Sure you don't . Just like you "don't care" when we spend a bit of an evening getting lap dances from Mercedes , the 22 year old nymphette that loves how we smell.

Perception:
When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

Reality:
Outstanding. You want a cookie? Just keep your farts to yourself. We don't like yours, only ours.

Perception:
Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life... you'll never see the 'island' coming.

Reality:
How old were you when you started dying your hair? Oh , that's right , it has nothing to do with hiding they grey. You were just looking for a change.

Perception:
We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance... in fact, PLEASE DO!

Reality:
If we promise to look in the mirror now and then will you promise not to be looking in it constantly?

Perception:
Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

Reality:
He's an asshole.

Perception:
Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

Reality:
When you can do it cheaply alone you let me know. Until then , shut up , take my money and change the damn diaper.

Perception:
When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours"...the torn jeans and dirty t-shirts will last longer that way.

Reality:
If you want to look at clothes , go shopping. I'm going to be comfortable. We'll dress appropriately for the occasion but who the hell do I need to impress. I allready have you.

Perception:
If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive versus a negative grunt.

Reality:
When you say something that either A , is worth responding to or B attracts our interest we'll respond with actual words. But while you're rambling about your mom's sister's friend's rectal surgery we're thinking about other places we'd like to be and waiting for you to shut the hell up so that we can watch TV.

Perception:
Don't insist that we "get off the damn phone" and then not talk to us...WHAT'S THE POINT?!?!

Reality:
I'm sitting here watching TV still and I can't hear shit over your cackling. Maybe if you weren't constanly talking about shit that didn't matter to people you don't even like we'd be a little more tolerant towards the constant sound of your voice.

Perception:
Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

Reality:
We're just trying to avoid eye contact. If you see us actually paying attention you might start talking.

Perception:
Your balding is a good thing... it subsidizes our hair care expenses.

Reality:
And your makup expenses . Along with your face creams , lotions , dyes and all the other crap you use trying to keep from looking old.

Perception:
Some women actually know more about a car and the mechanics involved than you do.

Reality:
Yea sure , some. More like 2. The rest don't know shit and will get ripped off constanly if we don't get involved.

Perception:
Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

Reality:
That might have worked in 1950 but not any more. I want it clean. I clean up after myself you clean up after yourself. I know more women that are slobs than I do men.

Perception:
Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

Reality:
We love to cook. It's you standing there talking and asking questions the whole time that irritates us. Why do you think the BBQ is OUTSIDE? That and the prep and clean up.

Perception:
We go to the ladies room in groups to talk about you.

Reality:
BZZZZ Wrong. You go to the restroom to talk about other women , men , the waiter , some girl that was sitting across from you that you hated her dress. You'd talk shit about the girl you're talking shit with if she wasn't talking shit with you. You'll probably be talking bad about her on the phone later though.

Perception:
Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss for one.

Reality:
How would you know? You don't get those either. Maybe you should learn to multitask. Isn't that what you're allways complaining about ; that you don't get raises and promotions because you're women ? Maybe the boss likes the fact that we can arm wrestle.

Perception:
Just Face It...You Need Me More Than I Need You

Reality:
You just keep lying to yourself and we'll go right on letting you. Did I mention that that dress really does make your ass look fat?