From The Onion:

Apple is set to release the much-hyped iPhone Friday, June 29. Here are some of its most highly anticipated features:

  • Nanotechnology enables it to reassemble itself when thrown against wall
    Exclusive link to Google Street View so you can watch yourself using your iPhone at all times

    Takes Polaroids

    When moved from hand to ear, makes Lightsaber sound effects

    Prominent Apple logo

    Reproduces through asexual budding

    Has way, way more PRAM than the last thingy

    Comes with an iPhone hat, so people know you own an iPhone during the brief periods you're not using it

This is some funny stuff, especially the bullet point about some of the most anticipated features being a prominent Apple logo and a hat so for the fleeting seconds early adopters aren't flashing it around, people will still know they spent over $600 for an average-featured phone.